How to Pose as an Indie Reviewer
Conquest of Elysium 3, a typical indie game. As in, not AAA.
It’s hard to jumpstart a career as a AAA reviewer these days. The market is competitive, and the whole reason you play eighteen hours of games a day means that “competitive” sounds about as appealing as licking a plantar wart.
Have no fear! By following these 20 easy steps, you too can soon be reviewing indie games with the best of them. As we go along, we’ll take a look at an actual review of an indie game as an example of how to pose as an indie reviewer (Conquest of Elysium 3 review, found here).
Runewars Mega, Year 3: Corridor of Red
Uthuk monstrosities gather for a march on the Dragon Throne.
News of the Uthuk defeat by a pack of dragons spread across Terrinoth faster than wildfire—much faster, since wildfire could have taken years. Now the Uthuk were the momentary laughingstock of the continent, owing to the natural desire that folks have whenever a world-ending threat appears on the fringes. People wanted to believe the Uthuk advance had been clipped short, but they were forgetting that the Uthuk Y’llan already held the ancient Dragon Throne and the city of Forge, and while reasonable men might have encountered their first great defeat and faltered, the Uthuk knew little of fear.
Runewars Mega, Year 2: The Hunt
The second year of the War for the Dragon Throne begins.
The winter was long—so long that some folks began to speculate that it was never to end. A few hedge-prophets declared it the end of the world, only to reverse their stories and preach deliverance when spring broke at last. The four nations, however, were cursing the winter long into spring…
Runewars Mega, Year 1: Raising the Lost City
Red Scorpion, champion of the Uthuk tribes, journeys to the mysterious desert that lies at the center of Terrinoth.
As with most bad things in Terrinoth, the War for the Dragon Throne began with a horde of demon-worshipers pouring out of the baked lands like an overflowing skin of liquid sulfur. Their numbers were so many that centuries of scholars have debated how the deserts could bottle up such a host of restless souls. Some said that the Uthuk Y’llan tribesmen lived stacked beneath the sand; others that they marched out of an oily and steaming sea. A few maintained that the Uthuk simply appeared more numerous due to their vicious nature—that one Uthuk berserker was equal to fifteen of the freeshields who protected the Seven Cities. We may never know. The Uthuk are not as they once were. Neither are the Latari, nor the Daqan, nor Old Man Waiqar.
I get ahead of myself. This is the story of how the ancient Dragon Throne reemerged, and how one of the four great nations claimed it. It begins with Red Scorpion, a former bandit and current adventurer, her services sold to the Uthuk Y’llan and her mind piqued by the mysteries of the Crying Stones.
Long Walks on the Beach: Dear Esther
One of the many poignant images from Dear Esther.
I’m having a hard time pinning down Dear Esther. After reading a few other opinion pieces, reviews, and theories, I think the feeling is mutual. Which is fine, since I suspect that’s exactly what creator Dan Pinchbeck was going for.
So I’ll put it this way: what does a fatal car crash, a syphilitic goatherd, a blinking radio aerial, a navy of paper boats, and a stunning cave create when combined? Answer: I have no idea. But it’s interesting all the same.
Upcoming: Runewars Mega
The human Daqan Lords face off against the Uthuk Y'llan barbarians.
Loyal Space-Biff! readers (both of you!) may have noticed that the number of articles has declined over the last pair of weeks. This is because I’ve been working with some friends on something extra special. Starting on Monday, I’ll be posting a miniseries covering an epic play of one of my favorite boardgames: Runewars. This is an excellent specimen of boardgaming at its best from Fantasy Flight Games and designer Corey Konieczka (whose games I’ve prattled about twice before). We’ll be using both the base game and the expansion, Banners of War (by designer Andrew Meredith). The series will be spread out over eight parts, and will be updated every Monday and Thursday. Should be fun.
That’s the bulk of my announcement. If you want details on the game, they’re posted below.
La Piña de La Muerte: Pineapple Smash Crew
The opening screen of Pineapple Smash Crew, which leaves little doubt about the type of pineapples being smashed.
The world’s fastest man can run about 12 meters per second. The world’s slowest explosion travels about 1800. What can we learn from this? That we can do a way better job of motivating Olympic runners.
Pineapple Smash Crew from Rich Make Game (Rich Edwards making games) is all about Outrunning the Fireball. Also pineapples. You know, to cause the fireballs.
I’m sure there isn’t a person on earth who wouldn’t get a buzz from escaping an explosion. But in a game where you’ll be doing exactly that at least a couple times every minute, can the thrill last?
RPS Ascension: Crossing the Diluphe (Winter, Year 2 and Spring, Year 3)
Raidon thinks little of Ichiro’s tactics for peace—snatching missives! Shaking like a child before the cyclops-god! Pandering to the whims of foreign pretenders! Raidon strains to remember that war was not prudent in the past, but a year of preparations has been unkind to Raidon’s spirits. He can hardly remember when he was Akenbei’s favorite, twelve months and a thousand years ago, when Raidon and his god had fought side-by-side to conquer the so-called “independent” tribes of Western Antopeos.
Since returning to Roca to restore order (order which was not nearly so abandoned as Ichiro had made it to sound), Raidon’s eyes have turned increasingly to the Marverni fortress that sits visible on the horizon: a fort that stands high above the marsh it protects. As part of the agreement between the Yomikind and the Marverni, both the ramparts in Roca and the swamp fort at Diluphe have stood sentinel, always watchful of the mutually-distrustful neighbors.
The ramparts of Roca and the swamp fort of Diluphe, both host to sizeable garrisons.
Raidon would see that fort torn to the ground and its stones drowned to the bottom of the muck of Diluphe. They have waited so long in preparing for war that they seem weaker than ever. Akenbei sits in the great hall and drinks fermented rice. Raidon’s friend Rai slowly dies of rot in a distant land. Ichiro can hardly remember how to lead those few men who will follow his commands. Even if his peers—and his god—have forgotten it, Raidon knows that war is coming. And what better way to begin it than by tearing down that abominable ever-visible sentinel?
And Then the Whimper: The Snowfield
The opening scene. You can probably already tell that this will be one of Space-Biff!'s jollier posts.
You’d think, to hear some people talk,
_That lads go West with sobs and curses,
And sullen faces white as chalk,
_Hankering for wreathes and tombs and hearses.
—Siegfried Sassoon, “How to Die”
Here’s one for that strange cross-section of human beings who feel that a videogame can be more than just entertainment: The Snowfield by the Singapore-MIT GAMBIT Game Lab (such a mouthful) does something that few games dare to attempt, and it pulls it off in fifteen minutes. It made me think. It made me sad. It made me shiver.
I’d recommend you play it before reading further. Once you have the Unity Web Player installed, you can play it right in your browser. Oh, and turn the volume up a bit.
RPS Ascension: Upstarts (Autumn, Year 2)
When last we saw what the Yomi were up to, Ichiro had received a letter of potential alliance from Nirelye, the goddess (at least Ichiro thinks Nirelye is a she) of the Sauromatian swamp-dwellers. The price was an invasion of the Yomi’s current allies, the Marverni tribes, who had recently begun an invasion of the Sauromatians. Since Raidon and Hirohisa, the nation’s two best generals, were still at the capital in the north, Ichiro had decided to avert immediate war by keeping this information secret from his own patron god, Akenbei, who was spending his time partying at the fortress in Roca.
Southwest Antopeos as autumn begins: The Marverni tribes invade Fever Fens, owned by Sauromatia. Akenbei and the Yomi feast in Roca.
Unfortunately for Ichiro, he will soon regret keeping Nirelye’s missive from his master.
SPACE-BIFF! 