Crying over Crysis 3
Friday morning I finished Crysis 3, accidentally skipped the final cutscene, and had to catch up on events with the help of the Eighth Wonder of the World, YouTube. Which was a relief because the final boss is a real pain in the butt (spoiler?), and the ending is sort of nice, in that sappy way that’s hard to admit and look masculine at the same time. You might assume from the title of this review that I didn’t think much of the experience, but that’s not true — I liked Crysis 3 well enough, even if it left an aftertaste of bitter disappointment once its creamy flashiness had worn off. Explanation below.
GOSU or Go Home
The other day I was browsing BoardGameGeek, minding my own business and reading about the masterful hand management aspects of Summoner Wars, when out of The Geek’s equivalent of a steamy alley appeared a slouching ruffian. “The greatest hand management game of all time?” he bellowed. “Why, that is not Summoner Wars! It is no other than GOSU!”
With the gauntlet firmly thrown down, there was nothing left to do but seek out this GOSU, purchase it, and put it to the test. It has been two weeks, and here I sit, having played GOSU enough times to be assured of its quality. Is it the greatest hand management game of all time? Or merely the game with the highest goblin count? Read on to find out.
New (Board) Games Journalism: SaltCon 2013
We all knew this day would come — oh, you’re not sure what day I’m talking about? Well, clearly the day when Dan wouldn’t be satisfied with merely being the man behind the internet’s one and only boardgames and PC games blog. Now he’s decided to branch out into New Board Games Journalism, which he just coined earlier today. Coined and minted.
Thank goodness there was a local opportunity to flex his new investigative journalism skills. SaltCon is in town for the weekend, and Dan managed to procure exclusive coverage of the entire event. Seriously, the whole thing. And it was pretty darn awesome, with lots of cool designers showing off their newest games. Footage below.
Pat the Hat Makes a Buck
Meet Pat. Pat the Hat.
I’m an absolute sucker for anything gangster (and when I say that word, I mean prohibition-era organized crime, not “gangsta“), so despite middling reviews, I had little choice but to pick up Omerta: City of Gangsters. Because it had “Gangsters” in the title, you see. Anyway, that handsome devil up there is Pat the Hat. He has a period after his name because that’s how seriously he takes himself. He wasn’t always so austere — his childhood nickname was “Earful,” he had some trouble with loan-sharks as a young man, and he had an affair with a local Don’s wife and had to flee to America. As you might be able to tell, his youthful choices have made him slippery and brash, but not very imposing.
Now that he’s come to Atlantic City, he’s going to take all the advantages the Land of Opportunity has to offer, and wring them by the neck until he’s the biggest boss of them all. First step is scraping together a thousand bucks in dirty cash.
Summoner Wars Mega #8: Fallen Kingdom vs. Deep Dwarves
Fallen Kingdom vs. Deep Dwarves.
I was going to write some flavor text about how the Fallen Kingdom has invaded the great halls of the Deep Dwarves in search of endless crypts to reanimate into skeleton and zombie fighters, but I’ve been informed by my ever-astute partner that all my pre-game flavor texts are about her factions invading my factions, and a quick fact-checking mission revealed that to be mostly true. So instead, the Deep Dwarves have invaded the massive Fallen Kingdom looking for, uh, something magical. And now their Summoners are facing off in a battle to the death. Well, more death.
Somerset and I agree that this was easily our most exciting match, a worthy conclusion to our series, and filled to the brim with all sorts of different tactics, howl-inducing rolls of the dice, and more. Epic clashes! Magic! Feints! Organized (and disorganized) retreats! Kidnapping! Possession! Dark sacrifices! All that and more, below.
Summoner Wars Mega #7: Cave Goblins vs. Swamp Orcs
Cave Goblins vs. Swamp Orcs.
The free people of Itharia declared a national holiday when they heard about the Cave Goblins’ plan to invade Swamp Orc terrain, because these are two of the most ill-intentioned factions currently in possession of summoning stones — which makes this battle something of a freebie for the side of Good no matter how it turns out.
How did it turn out? I will say it wasn’t quite the steamrolling many people assumed it would be, though to get more than that you’ll need to read on.
Summoner Wars Mega #6: Guild Dwarves vs. The Filth
Guild Dwarves vs. The Filth.
Today’s battle is an exercise in what happens when the greedy Guild Dwarves hear about a rich vein of gold running across the prairie where a supposedly harmless tribe of rabble lives… only to discover that these plains-dwellers are actually the Filth, who mutate from helpless peasants to tentacle monsters with some regularity, and who really don’t appreciate diminutive prospectors poking around in their territory. Which is to say, it’s on.
The question on everybody’s mind, of course, is whether Dan was able to maintain his lead or lose it to a vengeful Somerset. The one thing we’ll give away about this match is that somebody’s summoner turned out nigh-impossible to finish off. Find out if we’re talking about Oldin or the Demagogue below.
The Organ Trail, Part Three: Not Dysentery
I need to ask you something. Back when I was telling you about Clements and I mentioned that this is the story of how I died, did you really believe me? Or did you assume I meant something metaphorical, like how I died on the inside? Because I can see how you might think that, considering what I told you about that mine shaft incident, because, sure, that slayed a ventricle or two. Or you might think that I’m in the process of dying right now as a result of everything that went down over the last few months, bleeding out while I stammer my story on the side of the road, imparting dying wisdom to a younger version of myself.
But I’m not. I’m dead. El finito, as the Italians say. This is the story of how that happened. It was horrible and painful and more than a little embarrassing. And baby, it wasn’t dysentery that did me in. So settle in and get ready to hear the long and short of it.
Summoner Wars Mega #5: Tundra Orcs vs. Shadow Elves
Tundra Orcs vs. Shadow Elves.
Elves and Orcs whacking at each other with blunt and sharp instruments is probably the most natural thing in the world. Except these Elves like to dart about in the night and these Orcs really like ice magic and gambling — two lifestyles that, as we all know, are absolutely incompatible. Which is probably why Selundar has decided his Shadow Elves must invade the frosty tundra of Grognack’s, er, Tundra Orcs.
As always, we had a fantastic match. What set this one apart from the rest was a laugh out loud moment that briefly interrupted the game and completely shifted the balance of power. I know you’re intrigued, so read on to discover whether the current 2-2 tie was broken in Somerset’s or Dan’s favor.
The Organ Trail, Part Two: The Road
Once we’d sorted out the seating assignments for the station wagon (if you don’t remember how that happened, your memory is almost as short as Clements is now), it was time to hit the road, just like I was Jack Kerouac, and Somerset, Pariah, Wedge, and Agent Five were— well, like they were whoever traveled with Jack Kerouac. Of course, since the radio was dead we had less Jazz, and none of us were much inclined towards reciting what scant poetry we could remember or make up, and Agent Five had already consumed all the psychotropics on account of the zombies. All right, I suppose it wasn’t much like On the Road after all.
Even so, we were united by a quest: Clements might have been an old basket case, but his dream of a safe haven on the West Coast was as good a fantasy as any. And if you’re thinking we should have sat pretty and waited for someone to save us, well, you’re probably right. Since I’m dead and all.
SPACE-BIFF! 