By now you’ve heard that Space-Biff! has been sold to the Embracer Group, the private equity firm that owns a wide range of digital and tabletop publishers, most notably Asmodee. Not to worry! I have the firm’s assurances that Space-Biff! will continue to be profitable for weeks to come. Even if it isn’t, their buyout was enough to persuade me to take the leap. I can’t discuss details, but let’s just say it was a four-figure payout. High four figures.

Enough about me. What does this buyout mean for you, my longtime readers? Let’s break it down.

One of the many wonderful pieces of content you can expect in the near future!!

Over the past [check figure] years, the Space-Biff! brand has been proud to provide high-quality content for my [viewership? — let’s figure out the right term]. Whether we were talking about board games or tabletop games, Space-Biff! has grown into Web 3.0’s premier destination for news, reviews, and undisclosed paid previews.

Everything you love about Space-Biff! is staying exactly the way it is. If anything, there will now be more of what you enjoy. Much more. Mucho more.

Take reviews. If you loved [authorname’s] reviews, you have every reason to stick around. Products from Fantasy Flight Games, Days of Wonder, Z-Man Games, Plan B Games, and other Asmodee+ properties will be highlighted every week. Even better, these reviews will be SEO optimized and integrated with targeted marketing via AdSense to make purchasing your favorite games easier than ever. As a bonus, every review will also appear on beloved aggregation platforms such as Rotten Tomatoes, Metacritic, Glassdoor, and Tripadvisor. And don’t worry: thanks to our ongoing partnership with these properties, every review will be both honest and positive. No more gloomy days around here.

One of the many wonderful pieces of content you can expect in the near future!!

For fans of these reviews, feel free to navigate to the “latest” tab on the site’s new header. That’s right, the site is undergoing a major redesign. Rather than listing every article in publication order, the front page will now feature articles by sponsored clients or those that are most likely to drive eyeballs to clicks to advertisement commissions. All of your favorite content will still be available, but anything too political, sexual, theological, arty, historical, historiographical, Christian, un-Christian, or human-written will now be relegated to an obscure corner where it belongs. Rest easy, r/boardgames. You’ve won.

So what fresh content can readers expect? Here are just a few of the highlights coming round the bend:

• Game guides. Ever wondered how to beat the latest video game by THQ Nordic or Gearbox Software, keep competitive in the latest arena shooter, or find circled images of every Waldo in the popular Where’s Waldo? brand? Thanks to our incoming games guides crew, you can do all of these things and more!
• Unboxings. We don’t know what these are, but according to ChatGPT you nerds love them! [ed: see if Copilot can tone this one down]
• Sports betting. Want to know which bets to place when the Pacers go up against the Canucks? We’ll tell you! Thanks to our synergistic partnership with DraftKings Sportsbook, subscribers will have their first five blowouts handed over to debt collection at a reduced interest rate. Just don’t be too late on those payments or we’ll take your house, ha ha!
• Swear Guy. Yes, we have hired a Swear Guy. He swears so much. Every time he opens his mouth, it’s all “huck this” and “huck that,” maybe the occasional “bollocks, oi,” real colorful turns of phrase. He swears so often that you’ll swear he was an honest reviewer! And he is! It’s purely a coincidence that Embracer-owned publishers make such amazing games!
• Videos. Because let’s get real, what’s up with this site not doing video? Like, [authorname] could have just read his reviews while staring dead-eyed into a phone camera. Luddite.
• A.I. integration. We still don’t know what it does, but we’re investing so much money into finding out.

One of the many wonderful pieces of content you can expect in the near future!!

Once again, thank you for being loyal content consumers over the past [check figure] years. Now that Embracer is at the wheel, we’re dedicated to turning this dump truck around. With some spit and spackle, we are dedicated to overpaying the fattened hogs who constitute our noncontributing managerial class while underpaying creators and padding our content with formless generative language models. Embracer: We’re Doing It. Together.

[outro quip]

(If what I’m doing at Space-Biff! is valuable to you in some way, please consider dropping by my Patreon campaign or Ko-fi.)